The Journey

I was with my abuser for about a year and a half. At first he was only financially abusive. We got along great and laughed a lot. As time went by he started to show the dark side of himself. It got to the point where I felt like I was walking on eggshells. If I did not say or do the right thing, he would get angry and explode into a rage of screaming nasty names at me. By the end of our relationship it was a daily occurrence: him screaming at me over something, calling me names and threatening to kick me out. Then a few hours later he’d be apologizing to me, and then repeating the same cycle over and over again. It got to the point where he was comfortable with screaming at me in public.

I will never forget the day that I decided to take my life back and leave my abuser. It was a hot Friday in the summer. One of those days where you could feel the heat drenching your clothes. That day he picked a fight with me three times within a 12-hour span. The first fight was in the middle of the night. I woke up to him screaming at me telling me I needed to fix his game console. I tried to fix it as quickly as possible. I did, and went back to bed. A few hours went by and he woke me up again; screaming at me, telling me I better wake the f*** up and fix his video game. I scrambled to wake up and calm myself while trying to figure out the issue. The minutes ticked by and he got angrier with me, spouting off more hateful words, calling me a dumb b****. After an hour I had fixed it, and scrambled to get ready to go to work.

While at work he did his typical maneuver: messaged me to tell me he was sorry and I did not deserve that, while reminding me that he thinks of me as his “wife.”  I texted him back, and at that point had forgiven him. A few hours went by and I went home for my lunch break.

While home on my break he brought up my spare bank account and how the money in there was his. This was not the first time he said this, and it bothered me every time because the money was not his.  He always would say that what I made at work was his money, even though I was the one busting my butt while he stayed at home. I somehow at that moment grew the strength and spoke up. I looked at him and told him that money was not his.

He was instantly enraged.  He got up in my face screaming at me. I remember him telling me I was a “dumb c***” among other names while he followed me, screaming, to the living room, and continued to scream at me in front of his child. I remember thinking that no child deserved to see or hear this. My ex then proceeded to push me full strength to our door and told me I better come home with the money from the bank for him or he was going to show up at my parents’ house. At that moment I knew I had to leave him or I was going to lose myself.

I left our apartment and headed to my car. I got in, parked a half mile from my work, and called my dad. I was having a panic attack. My dad could barely understand me and began telling me to calm down, and that it was okay. I told my dad everything, and he told me I needed to leave and that there was a room at his home for me. After I got off the phone with him I spent about 10 minutes contemplating what to do while trying to hold back the need to puke. I made my decision, went to work, and told my boss what happened. From there I obtained a PFA against my ex and began taking care of myself.

It has been quite the journey to where I am. The first few weeks after I left him I woke up every night having panic attacks and would begin to cry. I became paranoid as well. I work near our old apartment and constantly look over my shoulder to make sure he is not following me around town. The first two months of my healing process I would find myself on several occasions missing him. I then would get mad at myself for missing him, because how could I miss someone who could hurt me while saying they love me? I have learned since then that this is okay, and it is part of the healing process.

If I can urge one thing to anyone who survives DV it is to learn to love yourself. Discover yourself. Find the resources that can help you, and stay busy. Staying busy helps to keep your mind from wandering and ending back in that crappy situation once again.

This story was submitted and is published anonymously as part of Caring Unlimited’s 8th Annual Survivor Stories Project; a program of Domestic Violence Awareness Month 2020.